sherpderp

lastnight my darling made a sort of experimental dinner.
we're calling it sherpderp pie.
it was delicious.
bascially, black beans, corn, tofu, onions, a crapload of mashed potatoes, and a whole lotta cheese.
here's the recipe, a la my hilarious honey.

So. You want to make a “sherpderp pie”? It ain’t hard homey. Here’s what you need:

• A buncha fuckin’ potatoes. (Like, more than six. Probably. I mean, I guess it depends on how big the potatoes are. Because if they were like ten pound potatoes then you’d probably only need like half of one. I think I used eight average sized baking potatoes for this. As opposed to driving potatoes. Driving potatoes are for driving only, you can ask anybody.)
• Firm tofu (I used about a pound of it, but you can use more obviously. I ain’t gonna tell you how to live your life. What am I? Your mother?)
• Olive oil (Oh Popeye!)
• Milk (Or you can use a vegan equivalent. Like hugs)
• Butter (Or more hugs you fucking hippie.)
• Half an onion (I know there are a lot of onion snobs out there, but honestly when you saute an onion it pretty much always tastes the same. I used a yellow onion I found in the crisper that was left over from some long forgotten foray into my tastebuds.)
• A couple of cloves of garlic (It ain’t rocket science, but don’t confuse “clove” with “bulb”.)
• A can of black beans (Drain ‘em you halfwit!)
• Half a can of corn (See above. You halfwit.)
• Grated cheese (Hugs can’t replace cheese. I’m sorry but they just fucking can’t. Go ask your mom for the two cups of grated hugs and while you’re doing that I’ll be right here cramming my dick in a wedge of camembert and moaning.)
• Seasoning (It’s a broad term, but I’m a broad asshole. Basically whatever sounds good. I used paprika and the secret love of my life: Cumin. I’m a user and an abuser. I’m also a joker, a smoker, and a mid-night toker. And a pisces or some shit. Who can keep up?)

Okay, so what you want to do is get your oven warming up. Sure, you can try talking dirty to it or slipping a few spit covered fingers into the racks but honestly the easiest way is to just set it at 375 and move to next step. Alright let’s be fair. We can’t even really call it a “step”. Because what you’re going to do is make mashed potatoes. If you can’t do that, then you’re pretty much fucked here. Wash, peel, and cube up your damn russets and put them on your fancy stove to boil. Yes, before you ask, you do need to put water in the pot as well. Once the potatoes are tender you should probably drain ‘em and then get to mashing. The basics of mashing a potato are as follows:

• Add a little milk/hugs and butter/hugs
• Mash those fuckers like you’re committing a hate crime against lumps

I like to add a little vegetable broth to them too, but that’s just me you know? I don’t know what the fuck your tastebuds like. Maybe they like the taste of foot. Basically, just do what you want here just as long as you wind up with a bunch of fluffy potato goodness.

Now, I know you thought you were getting off easy since it takes potatoes a while to boil so you can probably just go back to picking your nose and searching Tumblr for photoshopped nudes of Gandhi, but you’re not. While the potatoes are heating up you need to get everything else started. First, take your tofu and drain it on a paper towel. Think you can handle that? Well, your mom and I have faith in you. Secondly, dice up your half onion and mince your garlic. I know, I’m assuming that these things belong to you, and that’s a pretty bold move, but fuck you. I do what I want. Next, get a pan with a tablespoon or so of olive oil heating over medium heat. Look around and see if you’re using an electric or gas range. If it’s electric then you should probably take this opportunity to realize that you have a shitty kitchen. Once your oil is hot you can put in the onion and garlic to saute them. That takes a few minutes so you have enough time to mash the tofu up with a fork until it has the consistency of scrambled eggs and sprinkle in a little salt and pepper. Really give it to it, don’t be afraid. With your mother-of-pearl ground beef looking tofu at hand, add your seasoning to the onions. I also squirted in about a teaspoon of lime juice. Just for koo-koo-kicks. That’s right. I’m living “on the edge”. Once the onions are soft enough stir in the tofu and “brown” it all. Of course, tofu won’t brown so you have to pay attention to keep it from burning. Pretty much what you’re doing here is combining the flavors and removing and remaining moisture from the tofu.

Now you should have a pot of (pre) mashed potatoes and a pan of tofu/onion love baby in front of you. Spoon the tofu mixture into a glass baking sheet and stir in the black beans and corn. It’s going to look a little awkward, like a baby with a lopsided head, but that’s okay. Let the whole shebang cool and go back to mashing your potatoes. (See above. Halfwit.)

Spread your grated cheese across the tofu/bean/corn/onion whatnot evenly and then scoop the potatoes on top. Imagine it’s your second sexual encounter: Still awkward and sticky but you’re confident you can do it without making a huge mess. If you have any leftover grated cheese feel free to sprinkle it on top like the fairy you clearly are. Bake the stuff for about 30 minutes and then shovel it down your pulsating gullet. You fat pig.