road rash skillet

ohhh my gosh.
tonight's dinner = glorious.

1 Package Morningstar faux burger “crumbles”
1 Medium onion, diced
2 1/2 Cups of vegetable stock
2 Cups of uncooked penne pasta
1 Can of green beans, drained
1 Can of diced tomatoes, drained
2 Tablespoons of tomato paste
1/2 Teaspoon of garlic powder
1/2 Teaspoon of sea salt
1/2 Teaspoon of basil
1/4 Teaspoon of cumin
A pinch of sugar

In a large skillet over medium high heat brown your crumbles and onion in a little olive oil. Once the crumbles are heated through and the onion is soft stir in two cups of the vegetable stock and bring it to a boil. Once boiling, stir in the pasta and bring it back to a boil then simmer it covered for about eight minutes. At this point, add all your other ingredients (if it seems a little “dry” you can add some more vegetable stock) and simmer for another twelve minutes or so, stirring occasionally and adding vegetable stock as needed

lentil spaghetti

we had this for dinner last week, with the boyo's family.
it was a hit.
i didn't get any photos, so here's one i found on ze interwebz, with the recipe, written by my never-not-funny honey.

So you’re a vegetarian/vegan but you never really get to eat with your family because even the salad your dad makes has chicken in it and you’re not that handy in the kitchen yourself so it’s usually just a plain bean burrito in your bedroom while you watch reruns of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and avoid thinking about how you promised to drive your cousin to the mall tomorrow because she needs new tap shoes for her 8th grade talent show? Have I got a solution for you: Emancipation!

For the rest of us there’s spaghetti and lentils, a super easy and delicious dish that everyone can enjoy. Even your dickhead father-in-law that always bitches about what a pussy you are when you’re just barely within earshot because he’s pretty much king of being passive-aggressive and just you wait one of these days when he least expects it you’re going to hit him in the base of the neck with a chair and then laugh every time he has to wheel himself up the ramp to get his Social Security benefits.

Anyway. Here’s what you need:

• Olive Oil (Listen, it’s a cooking staple and if you don’t always have some on hand then you can just go ahead and slit your wrists right now. And don’t give me any of that “Look at my insanely fake grin and annoying perky attitude bullshit”, Rachel Ray “I call it ‘e.v.o.o.’ because I have a learning disorder” crap.)
• A Large Onion, Chopped (Don’t like onion? Then the terrorists have won. And good riddance, because I don’t want to share a country with you and your kind.)
• 2 Clove Garlic, Minced (Or crushed. Whatever man. Some people can’t mince. And some people love the smell of their own farts.)
• 1 Cup of Dry Lentils (Let me change out of this wet suit and into a dry… Lentil.)
• 3 Cans of Peeled Tomatoes (That’s thirty two ounces. You can blend em, crush em, mash em, or just leave em the fuck alone because what the fuck did they ever do to you? You self righteous asshole.)
• 2 Small Cans of Tomato Paste (That’s twelve ounces. Shit. Do I have to do everything for you?)
• 2 Cups of Water (I considered using vegetable stock here, but that shit is liquid gold. I bet you could substitute your own urine though. Which means you could nix the salt!)
• 1 Teaspoon Basil (Okay, I admit it. I hate myself.)
• 1 Teaspoon Oregano (I’ve just got some issues to work out, you know?)
• 1/2 Teaspoon Thyme (This is going to be my year though. You wait and see.)
• 1/2 Teaspoon Salt (Unless you used the urine. You sick fucker.)
• 1/2 Cup of Red Wine (Okay, the rule for cooking with wine is simple: Only use wine you would drink. That “cooking wine” nonsense is for chumps. Firstly, it adds an unwanted saltiness to just about everything and secondly it kind of tastes like ass. Do you want ass wine in your sauce? No? Then steal some of your mom’s merlot the next time she falls asleep at her computer desk and use that instead.)
• Spaghetti Noodles (Come on, man. Did I really have to tell you this? Fuck. Fine, but I’m not wiping your ass for you.)

Saute your garlic and onions in a skillet or Dutch oven (not the fart joke, you moron, the pot) until they’re nice and soft. Medium heat, for the love of God. If you use too high a flame thenyour onion will burn and your garlic will turn bitter but if it’s too low then clearly your mom doesn’t trust you with fire, scissors, the dog, or big boy pants.

Once the onions are at the right texture then stir in all the remaining ingredients, excluding (obviously) the spaghetti. How will you know when the onions are ready? Well, much like falling in love, you’ll feel a tingling in your pants and your normally flaccid member will start to writhe. Once you’re good and turgid and the onions are soft and translucent you can make your move.

With all the ingredients mixed you can bring it to a boil then turn the heat down and let it simmer for an hour. Make sure you stir it occasionally. But I didn’t need to tell you that, now did I Champ? I didn’t think so.

Congratulations, you mouthbreather, you just made delicious spaghetti. You want a fucking cookie?

sherpderp

lastnight my darling made a sort of experimental dinner.
we're calling it sherpderp pie.
it was delicious.
bascially, black beans, corn, tofu, onions, a crapload of mashed potatoes, and a whole lotta cheese.
here's the recipe, a la my hilarious honey.

So. You want to make a “sherpderp pie”? It ain’t hard homey. Here’s what you need:

• A buncha fuckin’ potatoes. (Like, more than six. Probably. I mean, I guess it depends on how big the potatoes are. Because if they were like ten pound potatoes then you’d probably only need like half of one. I think I used eight average sized baking potatoes for this. As opposed to driving potatoes. Driving potatoes are for driving only, you can ask anybody.)
• Firm tofu (I used about a pound of it, but you can use more obviously. I ain’t gonna tell you how to live your life. What am I? Your mother?)
• Olive oil (Oh Popeye!)
• Milk (Or you can use a vegan equivalent. Like hugs)
• Butter (Or more hugs you fucking hippie.)
• Half an onion (I know there are a lot of onion snobs out there, but honestly when you saute an onion it pretty much always tastes the same. I used a yellow onion I found in the crisper that was left over from some long forgotten foray into my tastebuds.)
• A couple of cloves of garlic (It ain’t rocket science, but don’t confuse “clove” with “bulb”.)
• A can of black beans (Drain ‘em you halfwit!)
• Half a can of corn (See above. You halfwit.)
• Grated cheese (Hugs can’t replace cheese. I’m sorry but they just fucking can’t. Go ask your mom for the two cups of grated hugs and while you’re doing that I’ll be right here cramming my dick in a wedge of camembert and moaning.)
• Seasoning (It’s a broad term, but I’m a broad asshole. Basically whatever sounds good. I used paprika and the secret love of my life: Cumin. I’m a user and an abuser. I’m also a joker, a smoker, and a mid-night toker. And a pisces or some shit. Who can keep up?)

Okay, so what you want to do is get your oven warming up. Sure, you can try talking dirty to it or slipping a few spit covered fingers into the racks but honestly the easiest way is to just set it at 375 and move to next step. Alright let’s be fair. We can’t even really call it a “step”. Because what you’re going to do is make mashed potatoes. If you can’t do that, then you’re pretty much fucked here. Wash, peel, and cube up your damn russets and put them on your fancy stove to boil. Yes, before you ask, you do need to put water in the pot as well. Once the potatoes are tender you should probably drain ‘em and then get to mashing. The basics of mashing a potato are as follows:

• Add a little milk/hugs and butter/hugs
• Mash those fuckers like you’re committing a hate crime against lumps

I like to add a little vegetable broth to them too, but that’s just me you know? I don’t know what the fuck your tastebuds like. Maybe they like the taste of foot. Basically, just do what you want here just as long as you wind up with a bunch of fluffy potato goodness.

Now, I know you thought you were getting off easy since it takes potatoes a while to boil so you can probably just go back to picking your nose and searching Tumblr for photoshopped nudes of Gandhi, but you’re not. While the potatoes are heating up you need to get everything else started. First, take your tofu and drain it on a paper towel. Think you can handle that? Well, your mom and I have faith in you. Secondly, dice up your half onion and mince your garlic. I know, I’m assuming that these things belong to you, and that’s a pretty bold move, but fuck you. I do what I want. Next, get a pan with a tablespoon or so of olive oil heating over medium heat. Look around and see if you’re using an electric or gas range. If it’s electric then you should probably take this opportunity to realize that you have a shitty kitchen. Once your oil is hot you can put in the onion and garlic to saute them. That takes a few minutes so you have enough time to mash the tofu up with a fork until it has the consistency of scrambled eggs and sprinkle in a little salt and pepper. Really give it to it, don’t be afraid. With your mother-of-pearl ground beef looking tofu at hand, add your seasoning to the onions. I also squirted in about a teaspoon of lime juice. Just for koo-koo-kicks. That’s right. I’m living “on the edge”. Once the onions are soft enough stir in the tofu and “brown” it all. Of course, tofu won’t brown so you have to pay attention to keep it from burning. Pretty much what you’re doing here is combining the flavors and removing and remaining moisture from the tofu.

Now you should have a pot of (pre) mashed potatoes and a pan of tofu/onion love baby in front of you. Spoon the tofu mixture into a glass baking sheet and stir in the black beans and corn. It’s going to look a little awkward, like a baby with a lopsided head, but that’s okay. Let the whole shebang cool and go back to mashing your potatoes. (See above. Halfwit.)

Spread your grated cheese across the tofu/bean/corn/onion whatnot evenly and then scoop the potatoes on top. Imagine it’s your second sexual encounter: Still awkward and sticky but you’re confident you can do it without making a huge mess. If you have any leftover grated cheese feel free to sprinkle it on top like the fairy you clearly are. Bake the stuff for about 30 minutes and then shovel it down your pulsating gullet. You fat pig.