lentil spaghetti

we had this for dinner last week, with the boyo's family.
it was a hit.
i didn't get any photos, so here's one i found on ze interwebz, with the recipe, written by my never-not-funny honey.

So you’re a vegetarian/vegan but you never really get to eat with your family because even the salad your dad makes has chicken in it and you’re not that handy in the kitchen yourself so it’s usually just a plain bean burrito in your bedroom while you watch reruns of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and avoid thinking about how you promised to drive your cousin to the mall tomorrow because she needs new tap shoes for her 8th grade talent show? Have I got a solution for you: Emancipation!

For the rest of us there’s spaghetti and lentils, a super easy and delicious dish that everyone can enjoy. Even your dickhead father-in-law that always bitches about what a pussy you are when you’re just barely within earshot because he’s pretty much king of being passive-aggressive and just you wait one of these days when he least expects it you’re going to hit him in the base of the neck with a chair and then laugh every time he has to wheel himself up the ramp to get his Social Security benefits.

Anyway. Here’s what you need:

• Olive Oil (Listen, it’s a cooking staple and if you don’t always have some on hand then you can just go ahead and slit your wrists right now. And don’t give me any of that “Look at my insanely fake grin and annoying perky attitude bullshit”, Rachel Ray “I call it ‘e.v.o.o.’ because I have a learning disorder” crap.)
• A Large Onion, Chopped (Don’t like onion? Then the terrorists have won. And good riddance, because I don’t want to share a country with you and your kind.)
• 2 Clove Garlic, Minced (Or crushed. Whatever man. Some people can’t mince. And some people love the smell of their own farts.)
• 1 Cup of Dry Lentils (Let me change out of this wet suit and into a dry… Lentil.)
• 3 Cans of Peeled Tomatoes (That’s thirty two ounces. You can blend em, crush em, mash em, or just leave em the fuck alone because what the fuck did they ever do to you? You self righteous asshole.)
• 2 Small Cans of Tomato Paste (That’s twelve ounces. Shit. Do I have to do everything for you?)
• 2 Cups of Water (I considered using vegetable stock here, but that shit is liquid gold. I bet you could substitute your own urine though. Which means you could nix the salt!)
• 1 Teaspoon Basil (Okay, I admit it. I hate myself.)
• 1 Teaspoon Oregano (I’ve just got some issues to work out, you know?)
• 1/2 Teaspoon Thyme (This is going to be my year though. You wait and see.)
• 1/2 Teaspoon Salt (Unless you used the urine. You sick fucker.)
• 1/2 Cup of Red Wine (Okay, the rule for cooking with wine is simple: Only use wine you would drink. That “cooking wine” nonsense is for chumps. Firstly, it adds an unwanted saltiness to just about everything and secondly it kind of tastes like ass. Do you want ass wine in your sauce? No? Then steal some of your mom’s merlot the next time she falls asleep at her computer desk and use that instead.)
• Spaghetti Noodles (Come on, man. Did I really have to tell you this? Fuck. Fine, but I’m not wiping your ass for you.)

Saute your garlic and onions in a skillet or Dutch oven (not the fart joke, you moron, the pot) until they’re nice and soft. Medium heat, for the love of God. If you use too high a flame thenyour onion will burn and your garlic will turn bitter but if it’s too low then clearly your mom doesn’t trust you with fire, scissors, the dog, or big boy pants.

Once the onions are at the right texture then stir in all the remaining ingredients, excluding (obviously) the spaghetti. How will you know when the onions are ready? Well, much like falling in love, you’ll feel a tingling in your pants and your normally flaccid member will start to writhe. Once you’re good and turgid and the onions are soft and translucent you can make your move.

With all the ingredients mixed you can bring it to a boil then turn the heat down and let it simmer for an hour. Make sure you stir it occasionally. But I didn’t need to tell you that, now did I Champ? I didn’t think so.

Congratulations, you mouthbreather, you just made delicious spaghetti. You want a fucking cookie?